Letter to Mom

Dear Mom,

How are you?

It has been a month since I last saw you. A whole 30 days since I said goodbye to you at the crematorium. Since that tragic accident that took you away from us so suddenly. I can't believe it has been so long. So many things have changed.

Our house is no longer a home. Dad is just going through the motions. Passing time and trying to make sense of it all. Sis and I can't even begin to imagine his loss. For all his issues, you were by his side for 30 odd years. He has now lost his partner, his friend. And probably the only person who will put up with his bullshit. He now finds the dog a burden, his daily routine is now a burden and he's itching to leave it all behind again.

Sis has tried to be strong. She has had to grow up in a short few weeks. To be the pillar and to bear the weight of the world on her shoulders. You should see her now. Paying bills. Doing the chores. Jogging with the dog. She has tried bravely to put on her best face. Offering comfort and thanks to all your other friends and family who also miss you. Yet, in the dead of the night, she would walk around in our now empty flat, missing you. And then she cries. All those nights you waited up for her. All those times you fussed over her drinking sessions. She has lost her best friend. Her family. And there is no one else who can be with her and to take your place.

And then there's me. Far away from home. From everything familiar and friendly. From the people who care and need me. It seems so easy to just run away from it all. A change of scenery, of pace, from the comfort zone that you have been the center of for so many years. I still don't feel like myself even after all this time. Its like living a dream, a terrible horrible nightmare where I have lost my mother and I can't wake myself up. And then I will wake up and not hear you waking me up for breakfast.

Things are very different here in China. Not sure if you would entirely approve of the oily and fried food here I have to eat every night. You will be laughing at your son. Speaking Chinese, meeting people from all over the world, trying to be that man you are proud of. On Saturday, I even managed to recreate your potato and carrot soup. The same soup you made for me so many years ago when I was going through my I-hate-dry-rice phase. You would have added less salt and more carrots to make the soup sweet. I wish you were here to taste it to give me your comments gently.

We will do fine. Things will have to change, for better or worse. Now that Dad intends to move away from us, we may have to give the dog up. Or bring him here to China from all the people he loves. Right now, all we can do is try to move on and picking up the pieces. As you once said, each single day we have left with our loved ones is a blessing. Make each day count, for you never know when it will be the last.

My last day with you was on Friday 25th April. But as long as you are still in our hearts and thoughts, you will live on in me. With me. For always.

I love you so much, Mom.

Your son,
Colin