Lightbulbs

An old one to just lighten the dismal Monday blues... the worst thing is that I can actually read/draft this.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part being the aforesaid Light Bulb shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spill-over illumination being at the option of the party of the second part being the aforesaid Light Bulb and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: The party of the first part being the aforesaid Lawyer shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part being the aforesaid Light Bulb and rotate the party of the second part being the aforesaid Light Bulb in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part being the aforesaid Light Bulb shall be undertaken by the party of the first part being the aforesaid Lawyer with every possible caution by the party of the first part being the aforesaid Lawyer to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part being the aforesaid Light Bulb, notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part being the aforesaid Light Bulb to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part being the aforesaid Light Bulb may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part being the aforesaid Lawyer shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part being the aforesaid Lawyer throughout.

Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part being the aforesaid Light Bulb becomes separated from the party of the third part (hereinafter to be known as the "Receptacle"), the party of the first part being the aforesaid Lawyer shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part being the aforesaid Light Bulb in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part being the aforesaid Lawyer shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part (hereinafter to be known as "New Light Bulb"). This installation of the New Light Bulb shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.

Provided always that the above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part being the aforesaid Lawyer, by said party of the first part being the aforesaid Lawyer, by his agents, contractors, heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (northward facing) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the said party on terms to be agreed upon therein.